February 26th 2023

Room 101

Whilst Mary (Birthday girl today) will sometimes let me know which pieces of music she will select for Desert Island Discs when she achieves celebrity status, I am more likely to think about what I would choose to consign to oblivion in Room 101. It will come as no surprise to anyone who knows us that Mary is more inclined to think about things that she loves and that are associated with happy memories whilst I rail against intense dislikes.

I was reminded about my particular aversion to escalators when travelling yesterday on the London Underground and a plump (the 'o' word would be more appropriate here but is frowned upon) family of four deposited themselves across the full width of the stairway and refused to move when politely asked to do so. There ensued a relatively friendly conversation during which the middle-aged father figure explained that the reason why he and his family would not move was because they were from Newcastle (the implication being that nobody walks up or down escalators in that city) and in addition, being dyslexic, he could not read the signs suggesting that one should stand on the right side if deciding to stand still.

To my eye, an escalator is firstly a means of travelling more rapidly to one's destination and secondly, an exercise machine demanding to be run up and down regardless of length, indeed the longer the better. I appreciate that the latter is perhaps not a view shared by everyone, but I would argue that it should become so. We need a sea-change in attitude whereby the population as a whole looks upon the escalator as a means of combining an exercise regime into their daily commute or shopping expedition. Encouraging automated audio comments at the top of the stairs could be set up, such as, "Thank you for walking/running up the escalotor today. You have used up x calories by doing so." Just think of the health benefits.

Unfortunately, the above is obviously a pie-in-the-sky dream, and the only sensible option is to consign the escalator to room 101 and revert to stairs. This would have potential benefits of enforcing exercise on those in need of it and reducing overcrowding on the underground as those unwilling or unable to use stairs would find alternative travel arrangements.

Returning to the conversation with my Newcastle friend, he and his family remained firmly in place until the bottom of the escalator where he jovially informed me that it had all been a great joke. I graciously accepted what I took to be an apology and wished his team luck in the Carabao cup final against Manchester United to be played the following day at Wembley, which I assumed was his reason for being in London. It gives me some satisfaction to see that they lost.